Hi Elena! I loved your story about James and how you made your own version of the cunning crane and the crab. I read that story as well so it was interesting to me to see how you changed it. I love that you used a lot of dialogue to explain the situation between the characters- with multiple characters I think it makes it much more comprehensible to use dialogue. One thing that I noticed is that although you explain what happened and to what extent the town was in ruins, there was not a timeline of things (how long the conflict had been going on and after how long it started that the story occurred) so I think that providing a sense of time before jumping into the current moment would definitely make the story stronger. I also think that explaining why the joonians were being targeted would make your story stronger. Overall, I think you did a really good job.
Hi Elena! I loved how you transformed the story of the Cunning Crane and the Crab. You truly made it yours. It was very well written and had an excellent pace. I hate using dialogue because I always feel fake writing it, but you did a great job making it authentic. It also helped with the comprehension of the story. This is super nit-picky but it bothers me so much when people say "dad" or "mom" when referring to their parents because its not their name and a possessive pronoun is technically required there. Also adding this pronoun will add a connection between your characters not completely expressed before. Little details of feelings and experiences will add so much to your story!
Hi Elena! I really liked your story. First you have great grammar and punctuation. As well as a very nice format of your story. The separation of dialog as well as scenes makes the story very easy to read and follow what is happening. Next, I really enjoyed how well you do at hiding what story it's based off of. I wasn't able to figure it out until the scene where he gives the ring to the tuktuk driver. I applaud this great secrecy you are able to build. You also have a great flow of dialog in the story. The dialog is woven in very well. It adds a lot of elements to the story. We are able to get a better look into the characters. I think you did a wonderful job! Keep up the great work! I can't wait to read more of your stories throughout the rest of the teamster!
Hey Elena, I really liked your story, Selfless Sita. In the original story, it frustrated me that Rama did not protect Sita as her man. He threw Sita out when the people talked bad about her. However, in your story you were able to project Rama in a good light. He did not ask her to leave, but Sita was the one who suggested her departure for Rama's sake. He also only agreed on exiling Sita after thinking about her being safer when exiled. This was a great incorporation into your story. It really does show Sita's selflessness as the title says. The only change that I suggest on you making is if you briefly introduced the "treacherous and tiring journey". If you made a small paragraph in the beginning of the story it would explain to people who have not read Ramayana yet what exactly the journey you are referring to is. Your classmate, Joanna
Hey Elena, the first thing I want to say is that your pictures are super dope. Thats the first thing I noticed when I went on your storybook. So awesome job picking them out. Now onto the actual story. I really liked your retelling and how you narrated Selfless Sita. I really liked your thought process behind it, and the purpose for this retelling. I am a huge fan of retellings that increase or draw more focus to the female characters in stories like the Ramayana or the Mahabharata, since they are so male-character heavy. So I was definitely a huge fan or your approach at giving a deeper, more pressing reason for her banishment. I also like the way you changed such a cruel, and pretty unfounded banishment, into something that was beneficial to Sita. It was a cool change and I really liked it. Keep up the good work, Elena.
Hey hey Elena,, I certainly enjoyed your first story. I didn't realize that the story could be so well adapted with so little modification into something less obviously moralizing; congratulations, you saw something I didn't, keep going, do the impossible, see the invisible. The first person point of view was actually really helpful, since it could restrict information, making the story more effective. It might be better to give the main character a knife or a pistol, since making James hold an idiot ball was the only thing I really disagreed with.
I also really liked your second story. The Ramayana is supposed to be set in a time of great moral purity, and Rama is supposed to be close to an archetype at the expense of personal character. His actions would be better suited to the Mahabharata, but in the Ramayana? It's kinda dumb. Making the exile Sita's plan, with both understanding that its at best a necessary evil definitely makes for a more thematically consistent narrative and is quite a creative solution. Good job, muah, so proud, love you, bye.
I really liked your first story and was impressed you were able to create such a detailed story from the short Indian story we read! I didn't know what story you were remaking until I read your author's note. Then, I immediately recognized it. I like the perspective you used because it helped keep the story and characters straight. The only thing I was hesitant about was how quickly the events seemed to unravel at the end and how quick James was to surrender and beg for mercy. He just seems so smart and manipulative throughout the entire story, but then as soon as he realizes he's been made he folds and cries to not be murdered. This part can maybe be dragged out a little to keep up the tough guy act James as. As for your second story, I thought it was kind of short, but I appreciate that you describing this story because I agree that it was not very fleshed out in the original version. I think this was a major character flaw for Rama considering he is suppose to be perfect and genuine. Overall, you did a great job!
Elena, I'm back and I love the changes you have made since the last time I read the story-- even from the first story. Your authors note also took away a lot of my guessing of what you were doing were cleared up. Then you added the Selfless Sita addition. I liked how you cleared up the story. The story needs more details as it was given to us. Sita was so undeserving of many of the the perils she went through so more details gave it more reason. Even though it was still harsh and unfair, it made more fair. The details that showed her as a person it made her so much more human. I really enjoyed that piece.
WWW Comment: I like how you incorporated the story of the Crab and the Cunning crane in the story. I could see similar events between both stories. I liked how you had some background to your story. It had me hooked from the beginning till the end. Also, I liked the amount of dialogue that you had in your story. It definitely kept me on the edge of my seat as I was waiting to see what was going to happen next. There’s really little that I can critique for your story because it was really good. Also, I loved the end of your story. It was very emotional and impactful. You could really feel the anguish of the main character after he realizes that his parents are dead. It was definitely heartbreaking as even though he is safe from the rebels, it came at the cost of losing his family.
I want to start off by thanking you for telling this story! In your author’s notes, you mentioned that you weren’t a huge fan of how the Ramayana seemed to brush over this part of the story, and I am 100% in agreement. For me, the entire post-war issues with Sita seemed so strange, so it was really nice being able to read a story where this part was talked about in greater detail. I wonder if Lakshmana was pro or anti Sita returning and being with Rama? What if Lakshmana was in boat of “The people don’t want her, and you serve the people” with Rama? I think a paragraph where the two brothers argue over Sita could make for some emotional conflict between the two characters who are so close. I think having Rama yell at Lakshmana about love and Lakshmana yell at Rama about country could be pivotal in seeing why Rama agreed to exile his beloved. Great work and I can’t wait to read more!
Hey Elena, I think the way you re-told the Crane and the Crab in the first story is very engaging. This was one of my favourite Jataka tales, and I would never have thought to tell it like this! Regarding the design, the layout is easy to read and the images enhance the message and storyline. I was also really happy to read how you portrayed this side of the story in "Selfless Sita" because I also didn't like how Sita's exile was 'brushed aside' as you said, in the original Epic. You definitely made Rama more likable for me in this version, and gave Sita more power. Regarding the design, one minor layout thing would be that the spacing between the 5th and 6th paragraph is not the same as the rest of the story, but I wasn't sure if this was for a special effect or just a mistake. One suggestion I have is that you might separate the question at the end "How could he live..." from the rest of that paragraph, for more effect. Other than that though, I enjoyed reading your takes on these stories!
Hey Elena, This is for Selfless Sita, and I loved the deviations from the original story. The use of Abhay and Chanda was very interesting to me and I think that it gave the story another feel. It's like it added elements from more modern societies where protests would happen if the citizens were unhappy with the leaders. When I think about the world these stories depict, I wouldn't think of the ordinary citizens every protesting the king. It's interesting that you chose for Rama to exile Sita out of love and not out of hate like it is commonly depicted. Because trust is heavily advocated for by Rama and Sita, it seems like their citizens would adopt the ways of Rama and trust him. I only think that would happen because Rama has been shown as being loved by everyone. It might be cool to see if Rama could repair his relationship with the people and eventually bring back Sita. Then everyone could love everyone again, and nobody would have to jump in a fire either.
Hey there Elena! Your portfolio looks really good. I noticed you changed your banners to match your stories. I think the images you used were on theme. One thing I wanted to mention is that in the story "Arjuna's Obstacle For Love", the caption was not that helpful or descriptive. I would add a little more detail like you did in the other ones! However, your project is looking good! I enjoyed your stories and your re-telling of the epics. I especially liked "James"! The story was a great retelling of The Cunning Crane and the Crab! What was kind of exciting was that I could tell what story you were using as inspiration! This story was engaging for the reader and I was thoroughly entertained the entire time. I would suggest maybe adding more pictures or making the existing images larger.
Hi Elena!
ReplyDeleteI loved your story about James and how you made your own version of the cunning crane and the crab. I read that story as well so it was interesting to me to see how you changed it. I love that you used a lot of dialogue to explain the situation between the characters- with multiple characters I think it makes it much more comprehensible to use dialogue.
One thing that I noticed is that although you explain what happened and to what extent the town was in ruins, there was not a timeline of things (how long the conflict had been going on and after how long it started that the story occurred) so I think that providing a sense of time before jumping into the current moment would definitely make the story stronger. I also think that explaining why the joonians were being targeted would make your story stronger. Overall, I think you did a really good job.
Hi Elena!
ReplyDeleteI loved how you transformed the story of the Cunning Crane and the Crab. You truly made it yours. It was very well written and had an excellent pace. I hate using dialogue because I always feel fake writing it, but you did a great job making it authentic. It also helped with the comprehension of the story.
This is super nit-picky but it bothers me so much when people say "dad" or "mom" when referring to their parents because its not their name and a possessive pronoun is technically required there. Also adding this pronoun will add a connection between your characters not completely expressed before. Little details of feelings and experiences will add so much to your story!
Hi Elena! I really liked your story. First you have great grammar and punctuation. As well as a very nice format of your story. The separation of dialog as well as scenes makes the story very easy to read and follow what is happening. Next, I really enjoyed how well you do at hiding what story it's based off of. I wasn't able to figure it out until the scene where he gives the ring to the tuktuk driver. I applaud this great secrecy you are able to build. You also have a great flow of dialog in the story. The dialog is woven in very well. It adds a lot of elements to the story. We are able to get a better look into the characters. I think you did a wonderful job! Keep up the great work! I can't wait to read more of your stories throughout the rest of the teamster!
ReplyDeleteHey Elena,
ReplyDeleteI really liked your story, Selfless Sita. In the original story, it frustrated me that Rama did not protect Sita as her man. He threw Sita out when the people talked bad about her. However, in your story you were able to project Rama in a good light. He did not ask her to leave, but Sita was the one who suggested her departure for Rama's sake. He also only agreed on exiling Sita after thinking about her being safer when exiled. This was a great incorporation into your story. It really does show Sita's selflessness as the title says. The only change that I suggest on you making is if you briefly introduced the "treacherous and tiring journey". If you made a small paragraph in the beginning of the story it would explain to people who have not read Ramayana yet what exactly the journey you are referring to is.
Your classmate,
Joanna
Hey Elena, the first thing I want to say is that your pictures are super dope. Thats the first thing I noticed when I went on your storybook. So awesome job picking them out. Now onto the actual story. I really liked your retelling and how you narrated Selfless Sita. I really liked your thought process behind it, and the purpose for this retelling. I am a huge fan of retellings that increase or draw more focus to the female characters in stories like the Ramayana or the Mahabharata, since they are so male-character heavy. So I was definitely a huge fan or your approach at giving a deeper, more pressing reason for her banishment. I also like the way you changed such a cruel, and pretty unfounded banishment, into something that was beneficial to Sita. It was a cool change and I really liked it. Keep up the good work, Elena.
ReplyDeleteHey hey Elena,, I certainly enjoyed your first story. I didn't realize that the story could be so well adapted with so little modification into something less obviously moralizing; congratulations, you saw something I didn't, keep going, do the impossible, see the invisible. The first person point of view was actually really helpful, since it could restrict information, making the story more effective. It might be better to give the main character a knife or a pistol, since making James hold an idiot ball was the only thing I really disagreed with.
ReplyDeleteI also really liked your second story. The Ramayana is supposed to be set in a time of great moral purity, and Rama is supposed to be close to an archetype at the expense of personal character. His actions would be better suited to the Mahabharata, but in the Ramayana? It's kinda dumb. Making the exile Sita's plan, with both understanding that its at best a necessary evil definitely makes for a more thematically consistent narrative and is quite a creative solution. Good job, muah, so proud, love you, bye.
Elena,
ReplyDeleteI really liked your first story and was impressed you were able to create such a detailed story from the short Indian story we read! I didn't know what story you were remaking until I read your author's note. Then, I immediately recognized it. I like the perspective you used because it helped keep the story and characters straight. The only thing I was hesitant about was how quickly the events seemed to unravel at the end and how quick James was to surrender and beg for mercy. He just seems so smart and manipulative throughout the entire story, but then as soon as he realizes he's been made he folds and cries to not be murdered. This part can maybe be dragged out a little to keep up the tough guy act James as. As for your second story, I thought it was kind of short, but I appreciate that you describing this story because I agree that it was not very fleshed out in the original version. I think this was a major character flaw for Rama considering he is suppose to be perfect and genuine. Overall, you did a great job!
Elena,
ReplyDeleteI'm back and I love the changes you have made since the last time I read the story-- even from the first story. Your authors note also took away a lot of my guessing of what you were doing were cleared up. Then you added the Selfless Sita addition. I liked how you cleared up the story. The story needs more details as it was given to us. Sita was so undeserving of many of the the perils she went through so more details gave it more reason. Even though it was still harsh and unfair, it made more fair. The details that showed her as a person it made her so much more human. I really enjoyed that piece.
WWW Comment:
ReplyDeleteI like how you incorporated the story of the Crab and the Cunning crane in the story. I could see similar events between both stories. I liked how you had some background to your story. It had me hooked from the beginning till the end. Also, I liked the amount of dialogue that you had in your story. It definitely kept me on the edge of my seat as I was waiting to see what was going to happen next. There’s really little that I can critique for your story because it was really good. Also, I loved the end of your story. It was very emotional and impactful. You could really feel the anguish of the main character after he realizes that his parents are dead. It was definitely heartbreaking as even though he is safe from the rebels, it came at the cost of losing his family.
Hey Elena,
ReplyDeleteI want to start off by thanking you for telling this story! In your author’s notes, you mentioned that you weren’t a huge fan of how the Ramayana seemed to brush over this part of the story, and I am 100% in agreement. For me, the entire post-war issues with Sita seemed so strange, so it was really nice being able to read a story where this part was talked about in greater detail. I wonder if Lakshmana was pro or anti Sita returning and being with Rama? What if Lakshmana was in boat of “The people don’t want her, and you serve the people” with Rama? I think a paragraph where the two brothers argue over Sita could make for some emotional conflict between the two characters who are so close. I think having Rama yell at Lakshmana about love and Lakshmana yell at Rama about country could be pivotal in seeing why Rama agreed to exile his beloved. Great work and I can’t wait to read more!
Hey Elena,
ReplyDeleteI think the way you re-told the Crane and the Crab in the first story is very engaging. This was one of my favourite Jataka tales, and I would never have thought to tell it like this! Regarding the design, the layout is easy to read and the images enhance the message and storyline. I was also really happy to read how you portrayed this side of the story in "Selfless Sita" because I also didn't like how Sita's exile was 'brushed aside' as you said, in the original Epic. You definitely made Rama more likable for me in this version, and gave Sita more power. Regarding the design, one minor layout thing would be that the spacing between the 5th and 6th paragraph is not the same as the rest of the story, but I wasn't sure if this was for a special effect or just a mistake. One suggestion I have is that you might separate the question at the end "How could he live..." from the rest of that paragraph, for more effect. Other than that though, I enjoyed reading your takes on these stories!
Hey Elena,
ReplyDeleteThis is for Selfless Sita, and I loved the deviations from the original story. The use of Abhay and Chanda was very interesting to me and I think that it gave the story another feel. It's like it added elements from more modern societies where protests would happen if the citizens were unhappy with the leaders. When I think about the world these stories depict, I wouldn't think of the ordinary citizens every protesting the king. It's interesting that you chose for Rama to exile Sita out of love and not out of hate like it is commonly depicted. Because trust is heavily advocated for by Rama and Sita, it seems like their citizens would adopt the ways of Rama and trust him. I only think that would happen because Rama has been shown as being loved by everyone. It might be cool to see if Rama could repair his relationship with the people and eventually bring back Sita. Then everyone could love everyone again, and nobody would have to jump in a fire either.
Hey there Elena!
ReplyDeleteYour portfolio looks really good. I noticed you changed your banners to match your stories. I think the images you used were on theme. One thing I wanted to mention is that in the story "Arjuna's Obstacle For Love", the caption was not that helpful or descriptive. I would add a little more detail like you did in the other ones! However, your project is looking good! I enjoyed your stories and your re-telling of the epics. I especially liked "James"! The story was a great retelling of The Cunning Crane and the Crab! What was kind of exciting was that I could tell what story you were using as inspiration! This story was engaging for the reader and I was thoroughly entertained the entire time. I would suggest maybe adding more pictures or making the existing images larger.